My journey and progressive acceptance
this season...
There are so many different versions
of self, and just like most parts of the human brain, most of those versions
are difficult to channel. I’m getting a handle on knowing and exposing my
familiar versions. But lately, my biggest challenge is allowing them to surface
at the right times, in the right places, around the right people.
The human capability of loving/caring
is so incredibly large. So much larger than we could even fathom… I think...
and the whole of it is only achieved by the workings of several different
parts. At least that’s what I’m beginning to realize within my own world.
I’ve spent the past month moving from
situation to situation, state to state, city to city, family, to friend, to
animals, to self, and back again, and each and every one of these people,
places, and things… needed a different version of me. Some needed everything I
had every minute of the day, some needed me temporarily. With others, I forced
my love upon, with the belief that I knew they needed it. For the most part, it
was true, they did. But, so did I. Then, there were those that pulled out
versions of me I hadn’t been familiarized with yet, which caused some internal
struggles that I had to tackle and settle during the quiet hours of each early
morning.
I’m a perfectionist. My desires to be
great, and serve greatly, have always been strong. I’ve always had to work
through them carefully. As a kid in school, if instructed to write a paper in
pen, and use only one line to cross out mistakes, that wasn’t clean enough for
me. I would write, and rewrite, and even rewrite again if I made a mistake…
until my paper-my story-my masterpiece was completely clear of flaws. There was
ONLY ONE VERSION IT COULD BE-PERFECT. As I grew, this pressure I allowed myself
to take on day to day broke me down, until imperfection was something I
embraced. I witnessed it in my family, and my life, and it needed to be
something that I wouldn't allow to make or break a situation. Now, when I don’t
quite understand something, I’m okay with showing ignorance and asking for
enlightenment. When I make a mistake, I accept I am not perfect, and I chug
right along. When I’m feeling things I can’t quite explain to myself, I allow
them to completely take me over, then I diligently sit in them until I can work
through them… until I can grow. However, I am still human. I still work on
impulse, fake it ‘til I make it, project feelings, guilt, and confusion. It’s
part of the process of life, which is why…
...knowing the
versions of yourself, and when to channel them, is SO important. In my case,
for example...
I have a version that services those
who have experienced more life than I have. I try to stay young, innovative,
teaching as much as I can about life as I know it, while asking what it is
about the “now” that doesn’t serve as well as the “then.” I listen, understand,
and try to transport myself to where they are. I completely detach from myself,
and place myself into the realm they’re in. This is for their benefit alone.
I have another that services who and
what I’m trying “drink up” within my own life, for my own benefit, in all
shapes and forms. I have some older ladies in my neighborhood who are just full
of love and gratitude, no matter their circumstances or losses. They are
inspiring. I need more of that positivity in my life. I have a friend who
hustles hard, with no apologies, no excuses, is a larger than life character,
and inspires me push myself into uncomfortable evaluations to find what it is
I’m REALLY looking for. So magnetic. I crave this for my present, and my
future. I also have a childhood friend that is able to remind me of the freedom
and pureness we once had as kids, and the fact it’s still in there-in she and
me. She is strong, and genuine. I need this to get through the struggles of
adulthood.
There is a version that pops out when
I eat shitty food, find a new wrinkle from scowling, become aware of a loved
one’s health issue, and that one… goes full force into respecting and loving
the body-regardless of our surroundings and temptations. No excuses.
There is a version of me I give to
those craving acceptance. It’s the MOST accepting, non judgmental, open version
of me I can give.
There’s the work Les too, who just
honestly gives zero F’s until the tasks are done, and done well.
There’s also the vacation Les, which…
doesn’t have tasks, and doesn’t want them, and will shut a mfer down if they
try to give them to me. *sets the schedule for auto response e-mail for
vacation dates right now while I'm thinking of it*
Among these, there are more, and each
and every one is a piece of the whole. However, not all are necessary to expose
at once, and often get in each other’s way. The one that loves the body,
sometimes cannot be hangin' out with the one that is the most accepting. The
one trying to experience more of someone, or something, for my own benefit,
could never be true to the one who is working to understand and selflessly be
with someone who has experienced a completely different world. Aaaaaand, we all
know how well the vacation and work versions get along… they don’t.
You cannot pressure yourself to be all
that you, and everyone else needs, all at once, but, you can learn how to
divide and conquer. There is a time and place for everything, and every YOU.
I have so much to give to the world,
and to myself, that I truly feel I’ll explode if I don’t offer it all up. In
order to serve that urge properly, I have to be patient, and definite with each
known version of me, and each outside need. I also have to forgive and grow
with the versions I’m currently getting to know as well, but the most important
point, and piece of advice for me (and you, if you gather, or can use any of
this nonsense I get off my chest here)...
Allow yourself
to achieve what you need to achieve, by being which version of you you need to
be, when you need to be it.
Sometimes, it’s not as selfish as it
feels. Growth should never be malicious, and personal progress should never be
supplied by someone else. Allow room for every angle of yourself, so you can be well
rounded, well understood, and confident in your journey.
Always thinking it over, never
over-thinking…
Les
